So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
