every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
