Christians are straight up FREAKS
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
