Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
