that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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