Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
