last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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