So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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