I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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