Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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