I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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