i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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