i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
