I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
