I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
