My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
