Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
