i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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