i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
