if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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