Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
