Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
