I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
