I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
