my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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