He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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