Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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