Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
