So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
