I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
