You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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