Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
