Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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