Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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