I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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