Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
