Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
