Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
