I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
