i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you never un-have a 4some
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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