We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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