Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
