Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
