btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
