I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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