I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
