I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
