There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
