from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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