it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
